One of those days....

Most days go by with just a few bumps in my day that cause a little anxiety or I just don't like something or I feel kind of upset by something...and then there's days like today where I should have just refused to get out of bed! Today was the first day back for teachers in my county. I was very happy to go and see my friends and get back to work in my room. However, I forgot how much changed over the summer. I rushed out of the house this morning without much assistance (although I had asked for a little help carrying a few boxes out) to realize as I got off on the exit to go to work that I'd left my work bag at home (::: Slaps Forehead :::). Minor inconvenience, just means some stuff will have to wait until tomorrow. Traffic was a nightmare in some spots and my road rage got the best of me until I was finally listening to System of a Down by the time I got to work (never a good sign). Then, my usual routine took over. However, I had to park in a different spot than normal (grumble, grumble) and then when I walked in and looked to the right, it hit me. My assistant principal is at new schools now, she's not there with us anymore. Then I go to the lounge to put my Cokes away...the whole thing has been rearranged and redecorated. It's very nice compared to what we had...but it's a huge change and I had no idea it had happened. Then, my school is looping this year so lots of teachers moving rooms/grades and even some new faces on board. In short, change, change, and more change. Made it through the day, got some stuff done, had a nice lunch. Then I had to go register my youngest for 6th grade. Had a total Mom moment and wanted to just cry as I signed her up, but I held it together. Then they told me there isn't a bus for her so we've got to find an alternate plan to get her to her school and her brother to his. He's in 7th grade, but he loves his school and refuses to change and they've pretty much got his IEP handled so moving him would be very traumatic for him. So I asked her if she wanted to go the school she's registered at (b/c she was accepted into the International Baccalaureate program) or did she want me to try and see if I could get her moved to her brother's school (where some of her friends from last year will go). She wants to stay, so now logistically we have to figure out a way to make it work with all the schedules we have to juggle. Just too much in one day for me. Many people are resistant to change, but for someone with an ASD, change can be very scary. We come to rely on certain things to happen in a certain way or order, certain people to be there where we expect them to be, and certain things to just always be the way they are. While logically my brain tells me that this is a very unrealistic expectation to have of life, the ASD part of me can't stand it and I go all crazy. It throws my big picture of how life is out of whack which almost puts me into fight/flight mode. I like to be warned of changes with enough time to adjust my brain to accommodate them. I like to know how everything will happen down to the smallest detail. I need to know exactly how it will effect me. So today...I walked in knowing only that we were looping so people would be shuffling and that my assistant principal would be different. I just wasn't prepared for how my brain was going to handle that and I always try my best, but sometimes you just don't know how a situation will affect you until you get there. Some things that I think should bother me won't and other things I that I think I can handle, I get there and find that I just can't. This is my 12th start of a school year and by know you'd think I know that nothing stays the same and that by the 3rd week or so I should feel a little more comfortable at work and after I see my babies get started in 6th and 7th and see that they're just fine, then I'll be ok too. It's just going to be rough for a bit until I get it all figured out in my head.

Awesome Moment ~ Had to Share

I had to share what was a great moment for me this morning....for everyone else they'll be like really? I have always had a gag reflex and been totally unable to swallow pills. We used to think it was because I accidentally swallowed a whole Luden's cherry cough drop in 1st grade and it scared the crap out of me....nope it's just part of being an Aspie! So over the years I've been given liquid meds...chewable meds...meltaways...shots...or I have to crush the pill and eat it in pudding (I hate applesauce!) which has resulted in some of the nastiest tastes ever to be experienced. My Adderall...I chew them! I know you're technically not supposed to chew the tablets but I chew it and it makes my tongue turn blue so it's kind of cool! My Xanax, yes I know they're tiny, I break them in half and I swallow each half alone...why? Because they're oblong shape and therefore will turn and get stuck, yes that's what my brain has made me believe. So today...I have a new antibiotic for a week....never taken this one before. Thursday night I crushed the first one and ate it in pudding...wasn't bad at all. This morning I got all brave and decided to swallow the sucker! So I turn the iPod on shuffle...and I get Psy's new song Gentlemen. Those who know me know that when I take even my little half a Xanax I have to dance a bit and flap my hands a bit...and we call it the Pill Dance. So today I was doing the dance to Gentlemen...and you know it went down in less than 45 seconds (which is really fast for me, usually stuff starts melting before I get it down). I was sooooo excited I posted on FB...I called my Mom...I texted a few people...most of whom were like um...really? seriously? And then tonight...time for dose two....in true Aspie fashion, since it worked well this morning...same song tonight...same dance...got it down in 20 seconds! I'm proud of me!! Now if I can just avoid the nausea/stomach upset it caused this morning I'll be all set! But I'm proud of me...I can now take something about the size of a regular aspirin. I might get adventurous and take my Adderall without chewing...it's not round...but it's smaller...but that's going to take a little more courage cause it's not round and....I like the way it tastes when I chew it lmaoo!!

Psy - Gentlemen - My Pill Taking Song

What Does It Really Mean? Part 3

Diagnostic Criteria for 299.80 Asperger's Disorder

3. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
4. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years).
5. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood.
6. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

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Well...I think we can finish this up today. The rest of the DSM-IV criteria are a bit more vague and open to interpretation than the other two. Area C is a given...I hide it well, and to the outside world it might be hard to imagine there's anything wrong with me, but spend enough time with me and you'll see it. Socially...well I do prefer to stay home most times and interact online or play games. I will go out and hang out with specific people and generally in the same places or to do the same things. I hate going to Wal-Mart or the grocery store, just too many people and too much input. I don't mind Target for some odd reason and I love little stores. Otherwise, I much prefer to shop online. A lot of it has to do with the driving/parking, but it's about the crowds and the input too. Occupational....well, work has it's moments of just being too much, but I just keep swimming because I know my students need me to. Most of my issues come with my perceptions of what other people think/feel about me or my work and in how they interact with me, back to the whole tone of voice thing usually. I'm much happier working with small groups and much, much happier working with Special Needs children, thus, my push to get certified so I can one day do just that. Other Important Areas of Functioning...I can't organize, hands down that's the biggest problem in my life. I can't clean well because I can't figure out what to do or how to get it done. Organizing takes major work for my brain b/c my brain can't even organize it's own thoughts. Budgeting is a nightmare...I can't even balance the checkbook and I'm sure I must have an award at the bank for the most times overdrawn in one year! I just can't make the numbers add up right. I've tried computer programs, tracking it by hand, etc...nothing works! It's a constant struggle. Driving is fun...I'm ok usually in the day if I'm going somewhere familiar. If I'm out of town I must have my GPS. I hate driving in the rain and at night b/c I just can't see the lines on the road and I still think everyone's getting into my lane, even when they're not! And parking, well that's just not fun. I can only turn one way to get into a park...I prefer one I can drive out of b/c I hate backing up more than anything...and under no circumstances can I parallel park! And I will having a "flappy moment" right there behind the wheel and just stop and panic if I can't figure out where to go and what to do. Generally, my friends realize this and they drive lol!

Area D - Nope...I was advanced. And I find most Aspies are. I read a newspaper to my astonished Grandfather at 2...I ate words like a sponge and always used them in the correct context. I had a college reading level in 5th grade. I loved to write poems/stories. So yeah, all good there! And now I know I am hyperlexic so that explains the crazy abilities as such a young age. However, after I read a book...if I don't talk about it, think about it, reread it...within a few months, I'll forget parts, and after a year or so it's like I never read it. So there's always something good to read on my Kindle lol!

Area E - Same here...I did everything ontime if not early and at an advanced level. Curious doesn't begin to describe me as a child...I'd have driven Curious George nuts! My Daddy used to say that I could "piss off the Pope"....yeah...I was that curious and had to know about everything...and not later, but right then!

Area F - No...I'm not crazy and I don't fully meet the other criteria...being an Aspie is the best fit for me after having read all the other possible ASD criteria with my doctor. We decided this one was the most perfect fit for me.

Well...there you have it. That's Asperger's Syndrome in a nutshell. But please remember, we're like snowflakes...all very different, yet made of the same stuff. What tweaks one of us out won't even bother the next Aspie and what one does really well another may really struggle with. But then again...I think that's just being human. I just remind myself that we were programmed with a different operating system so it's like being a Mac in a PC world! Or probably more like being a Unix system in a Windows world!! LOL!

Made a Facebook Page

Made a FB page for my blog so I can share other cool stuff about Autism.

https://www.facebook.com/DelighfulPuzzleAspieMom

What does it really mean? Part 2

Diagnostic Criteria for 299.80 Asperger's Disorder

2. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

1. 1. encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity of focus
   2. apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals

1. 3. stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements)

4. persistent preoccupation with parts of objects.

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This is where the majority of my issues that people can see show up. The first one is just me in a nutshell. When I get stuck onto something, I have to know absolutely everything about it and I will talk about it all the time! Sometimes it's a brief thing, maybe a few months or a year. Others, it lasts for years or even a lifetime. When I was a kid, it was baseball. I could quote you Braves stats for the current team at any time. I collected baseball cards, mostly Braves and mostly my favorite player Steve Avery. I read books about baseball and watched baseball movies. In 6th grade, to learn the research process, we were to write a 3-4 page paper on a topic of our choosing. Well, I'd just seen the Oliver Stone movie JFK. Yep, my 3-4 page paper turned into a 12 page paper with an appendix and I bet I'm the only 6th grader that has ever read the entire Warren Report. I went nuts over certain movies over the years...watching them over and over to the point I could quote them and driving everyone around me nuts. Music has stuck with me and always been an interest, so has reading and Disney stuff. This summer I got back into baseball, but thankfully it doesn't seem as intensely obsessive as it was when I was a kid. I've also become a crossword puzzle junkie. Number two is there, but not as intensely as number one. I don't like change...at all. If something is going to change, either small or large, I need notice and prep time. I need to know exactly what is changing and exactly how it's going to affect me. Then I can usually get on with it. I hate having routines changed. At work, I like being in my lab because I know which classes are coming and when...I hate fire drill days, testing schedule, and any other day where it just doesn't follow the schedule. Not being on schedule makes me nervous. My biggest trigger is being late. If I need to be somewhere and I have control over it, you can rest assured I'll be there 15-30 mins early. Some of the funnier routines (or nonfunctional ones) I have...I must go to Downtown Disney the first night of any Disney trip or I will pitch a 2 year old fit...I have routines in the shower for the order I do stuff and for the rest of my getting dressed and ready routine and if you mess it up, move something, or distract me...I will forget something. I drive the same way to places, even if it means 10-15 mins longer and having me go another way is asking for a panic attack. In stores, I start at the same side and go to the other end and having to backtrack only makes me angry. Number three exists too...I constantly move my foot or leg. It's usually my right but can sometimes be my left. If I'm sitting next to someone it will bother then and they'll ask me to stop, I don't even realize I was doing it! I will shake the whole table and have no clue! If I get really frustrated or upset or want something away from me I will do a bit of hand-flapping but it's not as often, only when I'm really stressed or frustrated. I do rock some when I'm nervous or really bored or upset. I've found a therapy toy called a Tangle helps with my movement issues as it puts a toy that looks like an old teething necklace, but it has twisty, textured parts into my hand and I can move it around. It keeps me calmer and actually helps me focus on whatever I'm doing. I never really showed much of Number 4. My son used to have a thing with wheels (still does) or he'll play with a part of a toy, just that part...nothing else. I used to like to break things down and take a look at their parts, but that's as close as I got to this one. 

So many of the quirky/odd things you see me do all day long and most often in stressful situations or when my routine has been altered...well I can't help them. Sometimes I'm aware of them and I try very hard to stop them, but it takes so much effort I can't stop them and focus on what I should be doing at the same time. Most of my friends/family have figured it out by now and they just let me do what I need to do and let me schedule stuff my way so I don't flip, but life isn't always easy to schedule so I still have a bad day sometimes when it doesn't work right...but hey, who doesn't!

What does it really mean? Part 1

In order to educate others about Asperger's and other Autism Spectrum Disorders I've decided to take the old DSM-IV definitions (DSM-5 ones are online yet) and tell you what it's like from my end. As a reminder, each person with an ASD is different. We all have different levels of abilities and different strengths and weaknesses. Some people have many difficulties in lots of areas of their life and others have just a few...people like me who may surprise you when you find out we have been diagnosed. Just because you've met one Autistic person doesn't mean you've met us all!! So please keep that in mind...what I write here is just from my experiences personally with myself and my son.

Diagnostic Criteria for 299.80 Asperger's Disorder

1. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:

1. 1. marked impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction

1. 2. failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level

1. 3. a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)

4. lack of social or emotional reciprocity

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Many of you who know me probably think I'm pretty outgoing, sociable, and that this really isn't an issue for me. Surprise!! It is a huge issue! My biggest triggers are new/unfamiliar situations, changes, and large crowds. When I first meet you, I might not talk a whole lot, or look at you when you talk to me much. I was taught to be polite always so I generally will smile, return a greeting, return a handshake, and I can even make small talk. However, when you get to know me and I"m comfortable with you...then you get to see the fun...the outgoing, "driven by a motor" me that comes up with the most random stuff at probably the most inappropriate times. In social situations, I always feel like everyone (even strangers) are either looking at me or talking about me. I try very hard in crowded places to not make eye contact with people and aside from the occasional mosh pit, I really don't like being mushed up to people I don't know. I've found that social situations really do leave me with a great deal of anxiety and I've just learned that if I know one's coming, I take a Xanax and keep on moving. I do have some impairments in using body-language, telling when someone's joking with me, and not interrupting others who are already talking. My biggest issue is tone of voice. I guess I'm like a dog, or so my therapist says. You can say whatever you want to me and I'm probably ok with it, as long as it's said in a calm and gentle manner. If you raise your voice, or it gets an edge of anger to it, I will shut down and general either meltdown crying or have a huge outburst of anger back. I also take everything personally. So if someone (ex: a boss or teacher) tells me I'm not doing something right or I need to change something, I feel like a total failure and that they just hate me as a person. It can be the farthest thing from the truth, but once my brain believes it, then it takes a long time to get rid of it if I ever can. I have over 300 friends on FB and if I look through I can tell you where I know each one from. However, when the crap hits the fan, there's only about 5 or 6 that I would call close friends. I've always been that way...I knew everyone, but only had one or two really good or best friends.  Now I just call them my Partners in Crime! I had a hard time socially in middle/high school. I just didn't fit in. I was different, odd and I knew it. I endured teasing just like many other kids, but a lot of what was said back then still sticks with me and colors my self-esteem to this day. As far as the DSM definition goes, I don't have as much of a problem with the lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment. If it's something I'm interested in then you better believe I'm going to talk about it and go on and on and my Partners in Crime will attest to that. I also don't have much issues with social/emotional reciprocity. I will return a smile, handshake, or respond to a comment made to me or a greeting. I can feel empathy for anyone and I can respond generally appropriately to emotions as long as I'm not in the middle of meltdown. Now this doesn't mean I'm throwing a huge party or going to call and ask you to lunch. I don't do stuff like that. I will generally ask my Partners in Crime first if I'm doing something and I want someone to go...and if they can't I may or may not ask someone else, but more than likely I'm either not going or I'll just go alone (which is an issue in and of itself). I think I've come a long way in this area since I was a child, content to play alone (or with my 2 cousins and 1 or 2 neighborhood kids), preferring the company of adults to other kids my age, and very rigid in the activities I did. I bowled, I played piano...that was it. I know I still have work in this area, but it is by far one of my stronger areas. 

Lessons Learned in Disney

Well...we survived our Disney trip this past week. I must say, even though I do feel bad for getting the Guest Assistance Card it sure does make for an easier time. Yes, we don't look like there's anything physically wrong with us and yes we can get on the ride like everyone else....but after a few lines with wait times over 30 minutes...you'll see that maybe we're not like you. And then the meltdowns start and the tantrums and maybe even a few tears. With the GAC we just avoid the issues that set all that stuff off and everyone has a more pleasant day. That includes all our neurotypical fellow guests who don't have to witness us having said meltdown/tantrum...it really is a win, win situation for everyone! It also makes life easier when eating at the amazing Disney restaurants. My son is almost 13, well in the land of Disney, you are put on an adult ticket at age 10!!! This also means that if you're using the dining plan, they must order off an adult menu!! Now, my daughter (so close to the spectrum if she sneezes wrong she'll be on it), will eat and experiment with food. She enjoyed a lovely salmon, several nice salads, and some awesome chicken dishes and great desserts while we were there. My son, (PDD-NOS), thinks that chicken nuggets, nachos (meat/cheese/chips only), pizza, and hot dogs/hamburgers are their own food groups and the only ones he will eat from. With the GAC, he was allowed to order off the children's menu and not have it affect the dining plan. Now, the places still didn't always have something on the children's menu either that he wanted but he could usually get something closer to what he wanted. I think the two best meals I saw him eat while we were there was a plate of spaghetti and meatballs (all made just the way he likes it) at Mama Melroses's in Hollywood Studios and a hot dog of all things at The Brown Derby in Hollywood Studios. Otherwise he always at his fries and would pick at whatever he'd ordered and the boy just doesn't do dessert even though it's part of the plan. And thankfully we finally found bottled sweet tea in the cafeteria of our resort and brewed sweet tea he could fill up his resort mug with...he's definitely a Georgia boy when it comes to his beverage of choice. We also don't stay for fireworks...I love fireworks very much. My son can take or leave them, but he enjoys watching them from a distance. My daughter thinks they're pretty but hates the noise. Me, I love them and the noise, but I can't stand the huge crowd to leave the park after the show which means waiting foreverrrrr on a Disney bus to take us back to the resort. So, we leave before the show and get on a bus with plenty of room and weather permitting hit the pool where we can sometimes hear/see one of the shows depending on which resort we are at (Art of Animation this trip). We actually braved Magic Kingdom and one day of Hollywood Studios in ponchos thanks to Tropical Storm Andrea...and as freaked out by weather as I get...when a tornado warning was issued for Orange County (I had no idea where in Orange County I was to know if it was headed our way), we calmly ducked into Hall of Presidents for the show until it passed, kids were never aware of the tornado warning so everyone was cool. All in all it was a good trip, but I'm still tired two days later not because of the 20 something miles we walked (thanks pedometer app!), but of having all those people all around me all day for 5 days! Sensory overload for sure! We might take a year or two off from Disney, but they've got some stuff being built that's ready to open in 2014....so thinking summer of 2015 (omg...I'll have a 9th grader then!) will be a good time to revisit. And eventually I'd like to do a solo trip or a trip with just me and a couple of close friends...because I can't always eat where I want to and go where I want...and they just won't stand in line because they think they're too old and thus Mom is too old to stand in line and have her picture taken with Woody and Buzz (::: sadness :::). We've found Disney is one of my focus areas and if that escape from reality via movies, shows, or the parks makes life better for me, then so be it. My wallet may not always agree, especially now I've found pin collecting!!

Book Report ~ Twirling Naked in the Streets and No One Noticed: Growing Up With Undiagnosed Autism

~ Book Report ~

If you are really interested in what it's like to be an Aspie, check out this book by Jeannie Davide-Rivera,
Twirling Naked in the Streets and No One Noticed: Growing Up With Undiagnosed Autism. Like me, Jeannie wasn't diagnosed as being on the spectrum until she was an adult. I read her story in one day!! I couldn't put it down because so many things were so similar. I kept laughing and crying as I read because she was living my life! It's so nice to know I'm not alone! And thanks to the wonders of technology I've even been able to talk with her via Facebook. So check out her page at Aspie Writer and give the book a read! 

Twirling Naked in the Streets and No One Noticed on Amazon

A Delightful Puzzle ~ Where the Name Comes From

A Delightful Puzzle...

     Imagine being dropped in the woods without a map or a compass...dumped off in a foreign country where you didn't speak the language and everything smelled funny...or finding yourself in the cockpit of an airplane with no idea how to fly!! Welcome to my world!  This is what everyday is like for me. What seems like an ordinary, everyday situation for you might be totally frightening to me. 

     

     I've kind of known all my life that I was different than most of the other people around me, but I was always made to think/feel that it was something unique and special, something to be proud of. Never in a million years would I have guess it was because there's technically something "wrong" with my brain and the way it processes information! At the age of 34, after long years of questions and not a lot of answers, I got my answer...I am an Aspie!! I have Asperger's syndrome, a high-functioning form of Autism. Most people who meet me would never know....now the AD/HD that I also have, yeah they'd guess that one...but not the rest. So how does a kid get so far in life and never know?

     I was born in 1979, an only child, and even though my mother is a nurse and my father was a neonatal respiratory therapist...no one had a clue. It's not their fault though. At the time if you weren't the stereotypical   Rain Man type character, well you weren't autistic and the idea of a spectrum hadn't even occurred to doctors yet. I read early, picked up a newspaper between the ages of 2-3 and read the headline to my astonished grandfather. I read everything in sight and I did it quickly, I was never taught to speed read, I just do it. I now know I am hyperlexic. Hyperlexia was defined by Silberberg and Silberberg (1967), as" the precocious ability to read words without prior training in learning to read typically before the age of 5." I went to a very tiny Lutheran school from Pre-K to 5th grade. When I say very tiny, I mean in 5th grade it was me and another boy! While it was nice in the idea that they could pull me out and let me do 7th and 8th grade language work in 4th grade, it also had it's downsides. I now know that not only do I really suck at math, I actually have a learning disability in math. Explains my all A's through school...except math. School was generally a safe place for me. I was happy there, most of the time. I loved my teachers and they loved me. I worked hard and always wanted more work to do. I was the kid that would show up sick because I was afraid I'd miss something. Socially, I struggled a bit. I preferred the company of adults and had a hard time playing with and relating to my peers. In elementary school I had two best friends and that was it. In middle/high school I still had one best friend and then a few close friends. That trend is a tad different today, but not a lot. I have two best friends, and about 4 other very close friends, and then a circle of good friends whom I adore and a host of others I've met either in school or during my teaching career. I'm great on Facebook or text, but if I don't know you very well, I'm not so good in person. I have to warm up to people and situations. Very rarely do I meet someone and feel an instant comfort or click...I think that's only happened three times in 34 years! 

     My Daddy was my best friend, probably since the moment I arrived. It was reported to me that when he and my mother called my grandparents to tell them that I was here (they were slightly mad for not getting a call to let them know my Mom was on the way to the hospital) and i was a girl...my Daddy told my Grandpa..."Do you think we can teach a girl to fish?" (They did, however I did and still do refuse to bait my own hook or touch a fish! I sat with my Daddy and watched baseball (Braves ~ in the basement years!) and football (Auburn and Miami Dolphins) and my penchant for words ended up with me collecting quite a colorful vocabulary that I could use correctly at a very young age! We spent lots of weekends together while my Mom was working. Daddy taught me to bowl and at 6 plopped me into our local youth bowling league and was both a parent and a coach. That youth league turned into the best thing for me outside of school and it was how I made friends and even eventually met my ex-husband! Daddy would take me where I wanted to go usually Burger King, the local Mexican restaurant (El Zapata in those days), and the library. As I got a little older he even braved the mall with me because I loved the dollar store (still do!). My Daddy went into the hospital for an angioplasty when I was 15. I think he might have known what was coming because before he went in, he sat with me on the living room couch watching TV and told me that if something should happen, to know that he was always proud of me and always loved me. Being 15, I told him to not be silly of course he'd be fine and could he pass the chips. I remember the night before his surgery I begged and begged my Mom to take me up to the hospital to see him. I remember getting quite angry and mean to her about the whole thing and even though she was tired from working and had already been up to see him, she put me in the car and drove me over because she knew there'd be no shutting me up if she didn't. Daddy's surgery went well. In fact, they were getting ready to move him to a private room the next day. We visited him in ICU the last night...he was sitting up in the hospital recliner in his favorite Simpson's boxers (Who doesn't love Bart?) watching TV. I told him I'd be back the next day since we were on Spring Break from school and I figured my boyfriend (my later ex-husband) would drive me. Last thing we said to each other...I'll see you tomorrow Daddy, I love you....I'll see you later, I love you too. They called my mother later that night/morning to tell her he was having chest pains. She dropped me off up the street with my grandparents and went to the hospital. I waited and waited and waited and heard nothing and no one would tell me anything. I think they knew better than to tell me what was going on because I would have freaked out. Finally I roped my ex into driving me to the hospital. By the time I got there...it was too late. When I got to the waiting room and told the ladies at the desk who I was looking for, they looked at each other and back behind them at the "Quiet Room" and I knew my Daddy was gone. Inside I found my Mother, my aunt & uncle, and I honestly can't tell you who all else and everyone was crying and I knew he was gone. My therapist refers to this as a trigger event in my life, much like PTSD. I don't think it's all that as much as know that I know the truth about myself...I just lost the person who had the road map to my brain. My Daddy knew how to fix the world for me and how to make everything ok again. Suddenly I was in that forest and lost and I'm only now finding my way out.

     I went on to finish high school, National Honor Society and all that jazz. Even did a semester of college before my senior year of high school. I got married on my 20th birthday to the only boyfriend I'd ever had...did I mention autistic people hate change?? I had my son Stevie when I was 21. I graduated college, after changing majors at least twice, did I mention autistic people who hate change often have a hard time finding where they fit in the world, and became an elementary school teacher. I had my daughter Madison at 23 and got my Master's degree in Education. By then, my marriage wasn't doing so great. Autistic people aren't great with communication or relationships...we remain friends and we're ok as friends but that's really all we can handle. 

     About the time we got divorced, I began looking for answers because not only was I having more issues than I was used to, my son was showing odd behaviors. I'd been diagnosed as AD/HD for quite some time so I guessed that would be his problem too. His Pre-K year...we weren't sure Kindergarten was going to survive him! He was tested for the gifted program and tested borderline genius, but his behavior really kept him out of the gifted program and out of the private school I had thought about putting him in. God works in mysterious ways because he couldn't have delivered Stevie to a better set of teachers if I'd handpicked them myself. His K-1 teacher was amazing with him and he made such progress that we began to think well, he's just a boy, he'll grow out of it. Second and third grade were rocky in terms of academics but his behavior continued to improved. Finally at the end of third he was diagnosed AD/HD, but his father was totally against medicine so we ran with it. Stevie continued to make progress behaviorally and socially, but academically it was much slower especially writing and math. To circumvent the school district which can take foreverrrrrrrr to test a child, I paid out of pocket to have him tested. He was diagnosed as PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified) basically the old diagnosis of high-functioning Autism. As I was filling out all these papers for him and my students (I was teaching inclusion Kindergarten at that time), I started to stop and say wait...I do that...and I did that as a kid. That's when I started to think...maybe it's something he inherited, maybe that's my problem. So again, out of pocket (my insurance doesn't cover testing), I got tested for a full range of psych issues. They made me do all the tests off of my Adderall, we'd like to retest one day on it because my IQ was 120 and they estimate it's actually 10-20 points higher if I'm on my meds and can focus on the tests. I have a wicked (99th percentile) processing speed so my brain is basically on full speed 24/7 with all my senses wired up and I have a very low perception speed. Basically...I'm taking in info/stimuli 24/7 but my brain has no clue what to do with it and forget trying to retrieve anything. My working memory is horrible even to the point that I can't remember entire seasons of a TV I watched, the good news is, there's always something new on TV for me! I was also diagnosed with anxiety disorder and put on Xanax, but we all knew there was something else driving this train. They kept testing and testing and finally last month I got my official papers in hand. I have Asperger's Syndrome!
Basically I too am up at the high end of the Autism spectrum meaning I am functioning quite well, but I still have quite a bit of difficulty. 

     Most of my friends/family are just used to me. They know I'm quirky and a little different, but they love me for it. I've been really surprised by all the reactions to my diagnosis. Ranging from...well that makes sense to wow, that's kind of cool...but not a single negative response! (Did I mention I have the greatest family/friends?) The reason I've named this blog A Delightful Puzzle is that what my current therapist has dubbed me. He says I am the most interesting case he's seen yet. He's never seen someone with Autism, AD/HD & Anxiety too function as highly as I do and yet be able to freak out and break down with the best of them. He told me in our third or fourth meeting that I was "a delightful puzzle" that just seemed to get more intricate and interesting just when you thought you'd figured it out. I intend to use this blog to help everyone understand what it's like to be me and through that what it's like to be Autistic. Hopefully that can help to raise awareness and promote acceptance for all of us ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder...the new label given to all of us on the spectrum in the DSM-V that came out this year) people out there, my son and I included (Madison, by the way, was debated about being put on as an Aspie, but she's functioning so well at the moment she only retains the AD/HD and Anxiety labels, but if it worsens like it did for me, they will change her diagnosis too.).

     Don't be shy either!! If there's something you'd like to know/ask about Autism or what it's like to be me...feel free. The teacher in me will tell you that the only stupid question is the one you don't ask! I'm not ashamed to be an Aspie, it's nice to finally know what I am so I can keep working on the who I am. Nice to have a "group" to belong to where everyone is more like me. And I don't let Autism stop me...my ex once told me I used it as an excuse...I promptly told him, no it's not an excuse...it's an explanation. It's why I am the way I am and why I do what I do. And it's not going to hold me back because I've never let it get in my way before I knew so why would I know? I'll be walking in Dec. 2014 with a Doctorate in Education in Curriculum, Assessment, and Instruction so don't ever think someone with Autism can't do something because we can and we will...and if you tell us not to or that we can't...we might even do it just to prove you wrong! :-)

Hello World...Here I am!